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cut through all this red tape

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i will see her again. i will. i will. i will. [Apr. 23rd, 2004|08:48 am]
cut through all this red tape
[!! - - - - - - - feel so |tired]
[out of the speakers |modern english - melt with you]

there are just some things that you don't ever let go, and you go your entire life holding onto. holding onto that thing hurts, it hurts like hell, but never would you even dream of letting it go.. letting it slip away. sometimes the pain will be all you have. sometimes the pain will be all you'll need. for me, my happiness is driven by pain.

you are going to read this and know exactly where i am coming from with this - a conversation with you. it might be one of the few things that you'll never understand about me, everything else i guess you're pretty good at seeing.

oh, and just because i think it's interesting - jon just told me that i should be a philosopher. well i think it's interesting anyway. pff.
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sometimes you won't talk but we're not fighting [Apr. 21st, 2004|09:03 pm]
cut through all this red tape
[!! - - - - - - - feel so |sleepy]
[out of the speakers |dashboard confessional - anyone, anyone]

i'm not sure of anyone, anyone
but i've got plans
i'm not asking for everything but sure i could use a hand

get a little anxious
sometimes you'll be gone and i'll be left behind
get a little nervous
sometimes it'll be my cue and i'll forget my lines
get a little lost look
and some staring from the corner of my eye
never really mastered disinterest

i can't see how the way that you leave me alone makes us close
i must be out of touch
i won't ask you to give up on the things that seem to keep you gone
but i can be gone too

feel a little sorry
sometimes you're not here when i am writing
feels a little awkward
sometimes you won't talk but we're not fighting
you hold on to your secrets
and i'm not privy to what is on your mind
but i can't help but feel tired
so tired, so tired, so tired

so tired
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already i'm wasting away, i know i'll see you again.. [Apr. 12th, 2004|05:42 am]
cut through all this red tape
[!! - - - - - - - feel so |freezing]
[out of the speakers |incubus - i miss you]

!! today is my birthday, yayyyy for me. credit goes out to skyler for being the first person to say happy birthday, as he did at exactly midnight. further credit goes to michael bradford for being the awesome friend that i don't even deserve. sometimes you need to hear things like "fuck what you deserve" to realize that it's not all about yourself and hey, the person referred to as 'me' really does have a large impact on others. it's the fourth day out of ten for spring break and so far i've had a fun weekend. friday i went to crossgates with julie and ricky and she bought me this and this for my birthday. afterward we ate at ruby tuesdays and went back to julie's apartment and hung out there and used the ouija board. woke up there saturday morning, got showered and dressed and went a few places with julie then went back to my house to find that they threw me a surprise for my birthday. i felt loved. everyone's away someplace for vacation though but eh, whatcha gonna do? i had a good time, followed by spending a grand total of six hours using the ouija board with ricky afterward before going to bed. man i wonder about that thing. [[ whoopi goldberg, sex predictions, my new nonliving friend niky, all the events that will occur in this upcoming august, october 18th, loving for all eternity, "9 out," the color of my father's shirt and all the rest ]] ricky knows the secrets, he knows all the questions i would only ask in front of him and he knows the answers we got to those questions. i wonder about a certain someone and how deep in denial that someone is, if at all. easter sunday i went to the cemetary with my dad and ricky to visit my mother, to dinner then back home and here i am nine hours later. it's 5:42 am and i need to get to sleep. sweet dreams.

that's me kiddies

wahoo for retardo

bwittany // zelda // la jolla // vampolla

libby the one eyed wonder dog. yeah, one eyed. got a problem?

oh my

!! mwahaha

they love eachother

mmhmm, libby taking a crap in the back field - it's inspiring, eh?

<3 amanda

yes, ricky is a monkey

got my coat back

brittany, brett and amanda

it's my birthday, oh oh ah ah yeah
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will you sleep tonight, will you think of me? [Apr. 9th, 2004|10:43 am]
cut through all this red tape
[!! - - - - - - - feel so |lonely]
[out of the speakers |boxcar racer - i feel so]

i want to see the most depressed of people become the happiest. i want to watch people fall in love. i want to see the waves crashing on the beach on the other side of the world. i want to buy a big broken down house and fix it up to be beautiful. i want to go on road trips, and make the best of friends that i'll never see again. oh, and i want you to be happy again.
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we wait forever, if ever, you're too hip to say never [Apr. 5th, 2004|07:37 pm]
cut through all this red tape
[!! - - - - - - - feel so |touched]
[out of the speakers |the format - let's make this moment a crime]

these next few days or weeks should be interesting, and quite eventful. someone in the back of the room yell out 'hypocrite!' and i'll hold my left arm up and tell you that's me. i can be anything you say i am - i can live up to it, that's a promise. this is the part where i start telling myself what i am and stop listening to the voices i don't recognize, the voices i don't know. my mother spoke with such beautiful sound, one that words replay over in my mind with. sometimes that's not enough and i have to sit and play and rewind and play again old home videos of her, to the point where i have the entire vhs tape memorized down to the rings of laughter, never has it gotten old or boring, and never will it. i'd like to be more of what she was, and more of what she loved about me. i knew the sound of her words and what it meant and still means to me. even after the lung cancer had made her get the high pitched 'minnie mouse' ring to it that we all joked about, it was perfect. there are voices i'll never know or understand like the one that makes me wonder if i'm just a worthless burden to my father or the one that tells me i'm a perfect nothing or even the one that tells me they've 'never met someone so lost and so in touch with herself at the same time.' i know the voice of my mother, and i know the voice of a few good friends, and i know the voice i used to speak with. i'm going from there. this feels right, and after a period of everything feeling so wrong.. i'm going to take this feeling and run with it for all it's telling me to do.
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show me where and i will sign [Apr. 4th, 2004|01:11 pm]
cut through all this red tape
[!! - - - - - - - feel so |energetic]
[out of the speakers |dashboard confessional - jamie]

it's cool to know what you are talking about, or to appear to.
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like disco lemonade . . . [Apr. 3rd, 2004|01:12 am]
cut through all this red tape
[!! - - - - - - - feel so |lucky]
[out of the speakers |marcy playground - sex and candy]

i have the opportunity to run away, i do. the chance to get away from this giant mess i've created and find myself placed in constant warm weather with palm trees and a clean slate. i can take the easy way out and scurry off with my tail between my legs. yes, i was seriously considering wussing out.. because hey, i have the chance. no. no. ofcourse not. michael bradford convinced me tonight of flushing this idea down. mmk, i'm labeling my freshman year as 'the fuck-up year' and this summer will be partly for improvement. it's comfortable not needing to impress anyone and being a walking disappointment. i swear, it's a blast but i think i'll stop now. what's with this lack of effort anyway?
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you looked behind you to smile back at me [Apr. 1st, 2004|04:43 pm]
cut through all this red tape
[!! - - - - - - - feel so |excited]
[out of the speakers |john mayer - comfortable]

this starts tomorrow, i start tomorrow. excitement is on overload.
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there used to be a reason why we wrote the words across the sky [Mar. 30th, 2004|09:06 am]
cut through all this red tape
[!! - - - - - - - feel so |cheerful]
[out of the speakers |abandoned pools - suburban muse]

"forgiveness is to heal yourself, not the other person"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - my mother
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uhh and that's the lovin' sound [Mar. 30th, 2004|08:33 am]
cut through all this red tape
[!! - - - - - - - feel so |energetic]
[out of the speakers |sublime - caress me down]

click, pictures.Collapse )

there is nothing like walking down that legendary trail reminiscing of the previous summer with your best friend and getting overly excited over things like finding a pot, seeing a mark on a tree and skipping across train tracks. summer of 2003 was extraordinary, and summer of 2004 will be too. it'll be completely different but wonderful in it's own way and i'm not taking any objections. the warm rays of the sun and laughter of splashing in the water makes everything okay. being sad in summertime is just not an option. i loved yesterday, and i loved these past two weeks i spent with my max, and i'm going to love today. tomorrow? tomorrow will be great too. just watch.

"it's not good to be walking in the dark"
a perfect setting for a horror film. as soon as we started walking back to the house it got darker and the moon got brighter, and could we have been being followed? here is the creepy and mysterious part of the story.. not going to be told.
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